It's been almost a week, a whole week since Donald Trump became president. -But… but it feels… -(audience booing) Yeah. It feels like a lot longer, right? (audience voicing assent) Like in Trump's presidency, one day is like a year. I mean, this was me last Friday. -Look how innocent I was. -(laughter) Look at me. Look how I've aged! It's hard to believe that in less than seven days, we've had an inauguration packed with empty space… (laughter) …worldwide protests that made it acceptable to say "pussy" in any context… (cheers and applause) …confirmations, executive orders, Sean Spicer lying about how he'd never lie, and to top it all off, Kellyanne Conway came in to say that the week didn't happen because there are no such things as weeks, only alternative days.
(laughter) Now, outside of a couple formal speeches, you realize we haven't had a chance to see President Trump himself on the job. But yesterday, he gave the first television interview from his new home office at The White House, or as he calls it, the Mar-a-Lago of the north. -(laughter) -But think about it. We've only ever known Trump the candidate, but yesterday, we got introduced to Trump, the president, who we learned is a man who, from the get-go, is determined to create his own reality, starting with how he gets the news. You took some heat after your visit to the CIA, in front of that hallowed wall, 117 stars of those lost at the CIA. That speech was a homerun. That speech– if you look at Fox, okay… I'll mention, and your net…
Read… See what Fox said. They said it was one of the great speeches. There was love in the room. You and other networks covered it very inaccurately. I hate to say this to you, and you probably won't put it on, but turn on Fox and see how it was covered. -I love how he says "Fox." -(laughter) But you see that there? Yeah. If the news is critical of Donald Trump, it's fake news. -Only praise is real news. -(audience voicing assent) Which is insane, and it's also crazy -that all he does is watch Fox. -(laughter) He doesn't want to read, he doesn't want to have briefings. Trump watches Fox to get his news! You realize the reason that we need the news is because we don't have what the president has, -which is all the information! -(laughter) And then Trump is turning on the news going, -"I wonder what I do today." -(laughter) "I wonder what happens." -You are the news! -(laughter) Can you imagine how this must feel for the FBI, where they come in, and then he's like, "Guys, did you know about the shootings in Chicago?" And they're like, "Yeah, we wrote about it in the report every day!" Now you realize what the CIA and FBI have to do.
You know what they should do? They should start making little videos for Trump to watch. They should make news especially for him, 'cause he's like little child. They're gonna have to come up and make, like, a little production for him. Just like… (imitates trumpet playing fanfare) It's CIA News! Today, Donald Trump, the great Donald Trump needs to know how to fight ISIS! And Trump will be like, "Yay! That's me!" -(laughter) -"I'm on the news! ISIS Bad!" -(applause and cheering) "Donald Trump good! Yay!" (applause and cheering continue) It's his own reality! He only accepts that news. So we learned that President Trump only acknowledges the media that praises him, and also, acknowledges only the citizens who voted for him. Many of these people were the forgotten men and women, many of them, and they loved what I had to say. Part of my whole victory was that the men and women of this country who have been forgotten will never be forgotten again.
The forgotten men and women. They're not forgotten anymore because they came out and voted. (as Trump): I keep a little note on my fridge. It says, "Don't forget to never forget "the forgotten men and women we forgot. That way I never forget what I just forgot about." (laughter) -(applause and cheering) -What does that mean? Here's another way President Trump only works within his own reality. It has to do with his executive order to block immigration from a number of Muslim countries. It's countries that have tremendous terror, uh, and it's countries that people are going to come in and cause us tremendous problems. Let me ask you about some of the countries that won't be on the list. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia… I don't want terror in this country.
You look at what happened in San Bernardino, you look at what happened all over. You look at what happened in the World Trade Center. Okay? I mean, take that as an example. Oh, okay, okay. Let's take that as an example. These are the countries Trump will ban people from. In the San Bernardino shooting, one of the terrorists was a U.S.-born citizen. The other person was from Pakistan, a country not on Trump's list. Or let's look at 9/11. All the hijackers came from these four countries. None of them on Trump's list. What he's doing doesn't solve his problem. It's like if you got pregnant, and then afterwards you said, "This is never happening again! "From now on, I'm only wearing condoms on all my hands! -"Yeah! Yeah! -(applause) Problem solved!" Here's the most disconcerting part of the interview for me. It's not just how Donald Trump perceives reality, it's the fact that as president he's now powerful enough to shape it.
Three to five million illegal votes. That would be the biggest electoral fraud in American history. Where is the evidence of that? You look at the dead people that are registered to vote who vote, you look at people that are registered in two states. When you say, in your opinion, millions of illegal votes, that is something that is extremely fundamental to our functioning democracy– -Sure. Sure. Sure. -a fair and free election. You say you're gonna launch -an investigation into this. -Sure. Done. (laughter) (whispers): I see dead people. (laughter) (applause, cheering) Who is this? You do understand… because Donald Trump truly believes that he should have won the popular vote, the federal government will now spend a ton of money and time investigating nonexistent voter fraud, which is not going to find you the two-state registered Mexican ghosts who are voting. But instead, all that's gonna happen is it's gonna end up as an excuse to restrict more American citizens from voting.
That's all that's gonna happen. That's all that's… And by the way, dead people using their power to vote? That's the weirdest Walking Dead episode ever. -That is just strange. -(applause, whooping) It's another reality. So… so here we are, one week into Trump's presidency, and the realization is beginning to dawn. The difference between candidate Trump and President Trump is that now we have to live in his crazy reality. And that fact hit me when Trump said this. David, David… I mean, I know you're a sophisticated guy. The world is a mess. The world is as angry as it gets. Well, you think this is gonna cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place. Jesus, dude. If he's gonna talk like that, I feel like he needs a different style of makeup.
David, David… I mean, I know you're a sophisticated guy. -(audience cheering) -The world is a mess. The world is as angry as it gets. Well, you think this is gonna cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place. (laughter) We're all his hostage..