The Bright Side History – The Benefits of Global Warming – @midnight with Chris Hardwick

We all know that global warming is perhaps the biggest threat facing humanity over the next 50 years, but it's not all bad news according to Yahoo. According to a recent study, rising temperatures will actually be good for getting folks in North Dakota out of the house. You never even thought about that part of it. -(applause and cheering) -We never even thought about it. You, selfish, underwater Hawaiians, it's not all about you all of the time! ORLANDO JONES: Yeah. -What about North Dakota? -Yeah. -Yeah. -Yeah. For some people, global warming is a good thing. There are at least 40 meth-addicted frackers and a dozen or so buffalo veterinarians who stand to benefit from it being a little nicer outside for once. -So maybe open your (bleep) minds… -(applause, cheering) …and think of some of the benefits of global warming. I mean sure, sure, the mosquito population will skyrocket and give most of the southern hemisphere super Ebola, but for a lucky few, they'll get to sit out on their porch on a balmy February night in North Dakota and get radiated by the sunset with their pet polar bear who now will look like this, -and great, I say.

Fun. -(laughter, applause) That's what they look like when you shave them. -Every polar bear. -(cheers and applause) Polar bears look all scary, but underneath, just a little wiener. -Just… -(laughter) So, comedians, I've listed a couple, but I'm sure there are a lot more ways to approach this very optimistically. What are some other benefits of global warming? -Orlan… I'm sorry. Nimesh. -Donald Trump will spend his winters in Swamp Mar-a-Lago. -HARDWICK: Yes. Points. Very good. -(laughter) -(applause and cheering) -Orlando. Well, if it's hot as balls, we know nudist colonies are gonna be lit. -HARDWICK: All right. Points. -(laughter) -Yeah. -Very good. -Lit! -(applause and cheering) -Arden. -Um, it'll only take 15 minutes to fly from coast to coast, Chris. -HARDWICK: Yes. -(laughter) -Points. -Yes! -Finally.

In-flight movie's just gonna be a clip -of the Cash Me Outside Girl. -HARDWICK: Nope. -(laughter).

The Daily Show – Welcome to President Trump’s Reality

It's been almost a week, a whole week since Donald Trump became president. -But… but it feels… -(audience booing) Yeah. It feels like a lot longer, right? (audience voicing assent) Like in Trump's presidency, one day is like a year. I mean, this was me last Friday. -Look how innocent I was. -(laughter) Look at me. Look how I've aged! It's hard to believe that in less than seven days, we've had an inauguration packed with empty space… (laughter) …worldwide protests that made it acceptable to say "pussy" in any context… (cheers and applause) …confirmations, executive orders, Sean Spicer lying about how he'd never lie, and to top it all off, Kellyanne Conway came in to say that the week didn't happen because there are no such things as weeks, only alternative days.

(laughter) Now, outside of a couple formal speeches, you realize we haven't had a chance to see President Trump himself on the job. But yesterday, he gave the first television interview from his new home office at The White House, or as he calls it, the Mar-a-Lago of the north. -(laughter) -But think about it. We've only ever known Trump the candidate, but yesterday, we got introduced to Trump, the president, who we learned is a man who, from the get-go, is determined to create his own reality, starting with how he gets the news. You took some heat after your visit to the CIA, in front of that hallowed wall, 117 stars of those lost at the CIA. That speech was a homerun. That speech– if you look at Fox, okay… I'll mention, and your net…

Read… See what Fox said. They said it was one of the great speeches. There was love in the room. You and other networks covered it very inaccurately. I hate to say this to you, and you probably won't put it on, but turn on Fox and see how it was covered. -I love how he says "Fox." -(laughter) But you see that there? Yeah. If the news is critical of Donald Trump, it's fake news. -Only praise is real news. -(audience voicing assent) Which is insane, and it's also crazy -that all he does is watch Fox. -(laughter) He doesn't want to read, he doesn't want to have briefings. Trump watches Fox to get his news! You realize the reason that we need the news is because we don't have what the president has, -which is all the information! -(laughter) And then Trump is turning on the news going, -"I wonder what I do today." -(laughter) "I wonder what happens." -You are the news! -(laughter) Can you imagine how this must feel for the FBI, where they come in, and then he's like, "Guys, did you know about the shootings in Chicago?" And they're like, "Yeah, we wrote about it in the report every day!" Now you realize what the CIA and FBI have to do.

You know what they should do? They should start making little videos for Trump to watch. They should make news especially for him, 'cause he's like little child. They're gonna have to come up and make, like, a little production for him. Just like… (imitates trumpet playing fanfare) It's CIA News! Today, Donald Trump, the great Donald Trump needs to know how to fight ISIS! And Trump will be like, "Yay! That's me!" -(laughter) -"I'm on the news! ISIS Bad!" -(applause and cheering) "Donald Trump good! Yay!" (applause and cheering continue) It's his own reality! He only accepts that news. So we learned that President Trump only acknowledges the media that praises him, and also, acknowledges only the citizens who voted for him. Many of these people were the forgotten men and women, many of them, and they loved what I had to say. Part of my whole victory was that the men and women of this country who have been forgotten will never be forgotten again.

The forgotten men and women. They're not forgotten anymore because they came out and voted. (as Trump): I keep a little note on my fridge. It says, "Don't forget to never forget "the forgotten men and women we forgot. That way I never forget what I just forgot about." (laughter) -(applause and cheering) -What does that mean? Here's another way President Trump only works within his own reality. It has to do with his executive order to block immigration from a number of Muslim countries. It's countries that have tremendous terror, uh, and it's countries that people are going to come in and cause us tremendous problems. Let me ask you about some of the countries that won't be on the list. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia… I don't want terror in this country.

You look at what happened in San Bernardino, you look at what happened all over. You look at what happened in the World Trade Center. Okay? I mean, take that as an example. Oh, okay, okay. Let's take that as an example. These are the countries Trump will ban people from. In the San Bernardino shooting, one of the terrorists was a U.S.-born citizen. The other person was from Pakistan, a country not on Trump's list. Or let's look at 9/11. All the hijackers came from these four countries. None of them on Trump's list. What he's doing doesn't solve his problem. It's like if you got pregnant, and then afterwards you said, "This is never happening again! "From now on, I'm only wearing condoms on all my hands! -"Yeah! Yeah! -(applause) Problem solved!" Here's the most disconcerting part of the interview for me. It's not just how Donald Trump perceives reality, it's the fact that as president he's now powerful enough to shape it.

Three to five million illegal votes. That would be the biggest electoral fraud in American history. Where is the evidence of that? You look at the dead people that are registered to vote who vote, you look at people that are registered in two states. When you say, in your opinion, millions of illegal votes, that is something that is extremely fundamental to our functioning democracy– -Sure. Sure. Sure. -a fair and free election. You say you're gonna launch -an investigation into this. -Sure. Done. (laughter) (whispers): I see dead people. (laughter) (applause, cheering) Who is this? You do understand… because Donald Trump truly believes that he should have won the popular vote, the federal government will now spend a ton of money and time investigating nonexistent voter fraud, which is not going to find you the two-state registered Mexican ghosts who are voting. But instead, all that's gonna happen is it's gonna end up as an excuse to restrict more American citizens from voting.

That's all that's gonna happen. That's all that's… And by the way, dead people using their power to vote? That's the weirdest Walking Dead episode ever. -That is just strange. -(applause, whooping) It's another reality. So… so here we are, one week into Trump's presidency, and the realization is beginning to dawn. The difference between candidate Trump and President Trump is that now we have to live in his crazy reality. And that fact hit me when Trump said this. David, David… I mean, I know you're a sophisticated guy. The world is a mess. The world is as angry as it gets. Well, you think this is gonna cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place. Jesus, dude. If he's gonna talk like that, I feel like he needs a different style of makeup.

David, David… I mean, I know you're a sophisticated guy. -(audience cheering) -The world is a mess. The world is as angry as it gets. Well, you think this is gonna cause a little more anger? The world is an angry place. (laughter) We're all his hostage..

How to Make Trump Care About Global Warming: The Daily Show

As much as Hillary losing the election might have felt like the end of the world, we know it wasn’t. Because the actual end of the world is climate change. And it may not be the news of the day, but, technically, climate change is the news of every day, which is why people in the streets are doing this. REPORTER: Thousands of people took to the streets in the U.S. and around the world on Saturday to protest against President Donald Trump’s climate change policies. REPORTER 2: The People’s Climate March was held in 300 cities. REPORTER 3: Chicago, Denver, Seattle… REPORTER 2: More than 200,000 people marched here on the National Mall. Thousands who oppose his environmental agenda have literally surrounded the White House this afternoon. Ha-ha! Joke’s on you. The president’s not at the White House. He’s out playing golf! Yeah! Like, if people really want to get Trump’s attention, go protest on the golf course. Or, even better, get a tee time ahead of him and then just go real slow.

Just, like, don’t hit the ball. Just… And then he’ll be like, “Hey, assholes, you’re not doing anything!” And be like, “Yeah, it’s a metaphor for your presidency!” (cheering and applause) Now, most recent protests have been about things that could potentially happen. You know, like women losing the right to choose or science being defunded or Trump’s plan to change the national bird from the bald eagle to a bucket of KFC. But, unlike those issues, climate change isn’t something that could happen– it’s something that is happening. NASA and NOAA scientists today declared 2016 the hottest year on record. It’s the third record-breaking year in a row. Nearly all of the 17 hottest years on record have occurred since 2000. In just the last ten years, we’ve seen an increase in wildfires and also draught in the southeast, not to mention flooding. In the arctic, they’ve had a month full of temperature in the 90s. That has melted the soil so deep that bodies from shallow graves are coming up, and that has caused an anthrax outbreak.

(screams) What the (bleep). Climate change is so bad it’s making another season of The Walking Dead? What? Like, if anyone needs to be fighting hard for climate change, it should be all the serial killers who didn’t bury their bodies deep enough, that’s who it should be. “What, the shallow graves are coming up? We need to fight for climate change.” One of the most frustrating things about climate change is that as humans, there are many things we can do, right? And many things we shouldn’t. You guess which list President Trump is working off. President Trump taking major steps to strip down Obama-era regulations to combat climate change, signing an executive order that undoes the Clean Power Plan. He loosened fuel economy standards for cars and trucks.

Approved the Keystone XL Pipeline. His order would allow coal mining on federal lands, permit the oil industry to release more methane. On Friday, the EPA removed most of the information on climate change from its website, explaining in a press release it’s being updated to “reflect the approach of new leadership.” What does that mean, the EPA’s website is gonna reflect the approach of the new leadership? What does that mean? Is it now just gonna redirect to coalporn.com? Yeah? And by the way, that is not clean coal. That is not clean coal at all. Look at that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m gonna hit it so hard it’s gonna turn into a diamond. Yeah. That’s right. You know what’s funny– it’s just rocks, and your minds are taking it there. Look, uh, at this point, convincing Trump seems futile.

Right? He doesn’t care about wildlife. He doesn’t care about famine and draught all over the world. He doesn’t care if it gets warmer. I mean, that just means he gets tanner. There is one thing, though, that might– just might– get Trump to care about the climate change. And it’s his children. Right? No, no, I-I mean the ones he raised. Right. Donald Trump’s property is in danger. Just up the coast is the president’s luxury Florida mansion, Mar-a-Lago. He calls it the Winter White House, but it’s also a climate change ground zero. It’s estimated that over the coming decades, rising sea waters could inundate a quarter of his very own luxury estate. Wow. President Trump, if by some miracle you see this clip, I just want to say this. You may not care about climate change. But I know you care about winning. Which is why you’re not gonna let climate change kick your ass by flooding your winter wonderland.

Come on, President Trump. It’s time for you to stand up and tell the world, nobody sinks your properties but you..

The Nightly Show – Neil deGrasse Tyson Slams Flat-Earth Theorist B.o.B

if you spent any time on Twitter in the past 48 hours, then you've heard about our next story. Rapper B.o.B. blowing up Twitter with his theories on the actual shape of the earth. Rapper B.o.B.– perhaps you know him for hits "Airplanes" and "Nothin' On You"– he firmly believes that the earth is flat. He is on a Twitter mission to prove it, and he says he has photographic evidence and that we've been fooled all this time. Mm. Mm. You know, guys, first time I heard "Nothin' On You", I definitely thought, "This B.o.B. guy– he is the one to finally take down that asshole Aristotle." Take him down. Take him down. Seriously, though, these tweets are amazing. "…the horizon is always eye level..

." "Once you go flat you never go back"? "…where is the curve?" Um, B.o.B., if you're looking for the curve, you got to call Sir Mix-A-Lot. That is a man who did not deny science. He did not. Am I right? I'm not lying about that. Okay. Anyway, so this thing went viral. And even world-renowned super scientist and friend of The Nightly Show Neil deGrasse Tyson got involved and refuted some of B.o.B.'s retrograde nonsense, which prompted B.o.B. to release a diss track called "Flatline". Here's a taste. ♪ Neil Tyson need to loosen up his vest ♪ ♪ They'll probably write that man one hell of a check ♪ ♪ Flat line, flat line ♪ ♪ You got me once but that died, aye ♪ Oh, (bleep)! This (bleep) just got real, y'all. Uh-oh. I'm gonna tell you– looks like we've got ourselves a r… code red science emergency. So I'm gonna have to do something I rarely do.

I got to hit the science panic button. WOMAN: Science emergency defense program initiated. Science emergency defense program initiated. -Oh, my God. -Science emergency defense program initiated. (audience cheering, applauding) WILMORE: Hey, Neil… Neil deGrasse Tyson! -Larry? -It's Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil deGrasse Tyson, everybody. Yes. Look at… look at that. Thank you. -Larry… -Yes? I'm trying to eat my dinner, I got your distress call. -I apologize, I know. -Is everything okay? No, Neil, everything is not okay. This B.o.B. BS about the earth being flat is getting out of control. Can you please help us? Uh, h-hold my sandwich. -Oh, sure, okay. -I'm sorry. Here, you take that. Here, here, you want your…

-Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. Okay. -(audience cheering, applauding) Looks good. All right. Go. All right, listen B.o.B., once and for all. The earth looks flat because, one, you're not far enough away at your size. Two, your… your size isn't large enough relative to earth to notice any curvature at all. It's a fundamental fact of calculus and non-Euclidean geometry. Small sections of large curved surfaces will always look flat to little creatures that crawl upon it. But this… but this whole thing– it's just a symptom of a larger problem. There's a growing anti-intellectual strain in this country that many th… that may be the beginning of the end of our informed democracy. O-Of course, in a free society, you can and should think whatever you want. And if you want to think the world is flat, go right ahead. But if you think the world is flat and you have influence over others, as would successful rappers or even presidential candidates, then being wrong becomes being harmful– to the health, the wealth, and the security of our citizenry.

Discovery and exploration got us out of the caves. And each generation benefits from what previous generations have learned. Isaac Newton, my man, said, "I have… "If I have seen farther than others, it's by standing on the shoulders of giants." (cheering, whooping) -WILMORE: Yeah! (whoops) -Can I get an amen? So that's right, B.o.B., when you stand on the shoulders of those who came before, you might just see far enough to realize the earth isn't (bleep) flat. And by the way….